Is He Talking About His...?

He is 34 years old, 6'2 and has a shirtless pic in his profile. He sends the first message and I was not interested so I didn't respond (I know, kind of asshole-ish of me but it happens). Then comes the second message an hour or so later...

I don't think he is talking about his height, his personality or the size of his hands. 

Listen guy, I am REALLY sorry that you have a small penis, that is very unfortunate for you, but this is definitely not something you say to impress a girl. Especially a girl who didn't respond to your first message. But thank you for the heads up and not waiting to whip it out, surprising me on our "not going to happen" first date.

I just wonder what his motivation was when he decided to tell me this? Was he hoping I would ask questions or ask to see it? Considering how many dick pics I have been sent, I am thinking that might be it. Than again maybe I was rude, maybe I should have responded with something he probably wanted to hear like "its not how big it is, its how well you use it" or "it's ok as long as you have a great personality". But I didn't... for so many reasons.

XOXO

***side note and good call from an anonymous reader*** maybe it's not him, maybe he got caught on this site, or was hacked by an ex or a friend. We see it happen all he time on Facebook. Let's hope for this guys sake that is true!! Either way it's still funny, but if you give me some time I will message him and ask! :)

***UPDATE*** You wanted to know, I asked. I am still very confused.

I just said I wanted to learn how to...

So I really wanted to learn to play golf this summer. I have been to the driving range quite a bit since I was a kid but have never been out on an actual course. I thought that it would be a fun date idea. I guess I was naive to think that guys would take me seriously. I mean some did, SOME, but I got more messages like the ones listed below than guys actually wanting to golf. 

So guys listen...I do know you have a dick and balls, it's not a surprise to me. But I actually meant golf, like with a driver and golf balls, maybe even drink a couple of beers. I also know how to do "other things" but thanks for the offer. Try to be a little more original next time ;)

And just a FYI, I never got out on the course at all this summer :(
I also left the last guys pic up for your viewing pleasure.

XOXO

"Hal wants a gal"

So let me tell you a more recent story about a guy, let's call him Shallow Hal. This one is a little embarrassing for me but I am going to put it all out there. I will keep the beginning of this story brief, I started talking to this guy, messaging back and forth for a couple of day and we really hit it off. We messaged, sent pics of ourselves that included full body pics (but not dirty ones clearly) and set a date for a Thursday. He would text me sweet, but not cheesy/creepy things, like how much he was looking forward to meeting me, how if we we click as much in person as we do from talking it was going to be great. I was kind of excited now to meet him too.

So now that the date was set, I told him my rule: I need to know your first and last name. We got a laugh about "Facebook stalking" and "Googling" someone. So we exchanged full names. And then he friend requested me....what do I do?? I mean that's not the reason I asked for his name, I did that so I could stalk not become friends. What is he thinking?? We continued to chat and he was still saying how excited he was for Thursday so against my better judgment I accepted the friend request. I did partially blocked him from seeing everything on my page but he could still see most things. So I creeped on him for a minute or two. He was cute, had an adorable son and seemed like he had his shit together. 

This is where things went south very quickly. He was at work so it took a little bit of time to reply and I knew that was going to happen but when he did, it really wasn't what I was expecting. He started it by saying "Bad News", Clearly I knew the rest was going to be not good. He continued to say that I wasn't really as attractive as he thought and he didn't feel a spark when he saw pics of me and he needed to cancel the date.

Really Shallow Hal? You can tell if you can click with a person by their tagged pics on Facebook?? Ok, I know I am not the skinniest or the prettiest but the fact that I sent him pics of me that I had just taken for him (again not dirty ones) and he liked me but he saw some Facebook pics and decided I wasn't good enough, was pretty insulting. At least I saw his true douche bag colors from the very beginning; it really hadn't shown through all the texting/talking we had done. He then proceeded to tell me that he "knows it sounds shallow" to which I replied, "it doesn't sound shallow, it is shallow". Good Day Shallow Hal.

Again, this one is pretty embarrassing for me but live, learn and move on.



XOXO

I love this quote but hate that Kanye said it. 

I Am No Julia Roberts...

A man in a legal but hurtful business needs an escort for some social events, and hires a beautiful prostitute he meets...Alright, Alright that's actually the movie Pretty Woman. Ok maybe this isn't the same thing. But it makes me laugh every time I get one of the following messages. 

What am I, some sort of escort?? I mean, you come in from out of town and expect me to be your date for the night and hang out at your hotel? I just dont get it. I mean, I know I look like a classy hooker (I really don't) but still...  Also, some of your lack of pictures and this message automatically gives me the impression that you are hiding something. Maybe it's my untrusting self, but I get so many messages like this without pictures I just wanted to ask "How does your wife/girlfriend feel being left alone for the weekend?" This is a dating website. I am not looking to be your weekend fling/girlfriend. 

PS thanks for the "sexy" picture of you laying shirtless on the bed.

I am over thinking this? You guys tell me, what do you think? 

XOXO

Are You Already Drunk??

So I go out with this guy, let's call him Jack Daniels. This date was still back in the beginning stages of my newly single life but also at the point where I was starting to get a little, ok a smidge, more picky. We had actually talked on the phone multiple times before I agreed to meet him. We met in public for drinks, as I would normally do. The date is going ok we have a lot of things in common, similar interests, etc but the problem was he really starts throwing them back, probably two drinks to my one. We went to a couple bars and between bars he is getting a little "handsie" between each, kissing me on the cheek a few times, holding on to my hips (you get the point). I was really attracted to him so I was enjoying the attention. So by the time we get to the next place he was clearly a little tipsy. Mid-convo he looks at me and says....wait on it.....

"Soooo are we going to fuck after this?"

.....crickets.....

.....crickets....

.....crickets.....

That awkward moment of crickets chirping was me pausing to let him pretend it was a joke. I totally didn't NEED to do that. But I thought, he has had a few, he probably is a horny drunk, I will give him that brief moment to recover from looking like a complete douche. And he never did. I gave my little "I-am-extremely-uncomfortable-right-now" giggle and say "Uhhhh, no". To which his reply was....wait on it again...

"You don't need to be such a prude."

And with that ladies and gentleman I said good night, thank you for the drinks...and left.

XOXO

Sometimes There Are Just No Words...

I don't even know what to say....feel free to leave comments!

Nice to meet you...and your wife.

So as you have seen so far, I have gotten some pretty strange messages from men. But when I signed up for online dating I did know that I was also signing up for a singles/swingers/cheaters site. Let me give you some examples:

I will give her credit, she actually commented on my profile which proved she read it. Most men don't even do that. I also like that she referred to their marriage as a long term relationship.

At least they were polite, again this is not something most men on this site are. Let me also mention they were in their late 40s, early  50s maybe.

Well at least they both agreed on me, I do feel so special??  They were also the ones that replied a second time to reassure me she had been with a girl before. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Then there are the others, those that are open about already being in a relationship and are just looking for something on the side. As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, this does not sit well with me. (Mine didn't meet her on a dating site but an iPhone app called "Original Gangstas", hahaha. As embarrassing as that is for me, it is way more embarrassing for them.) These men should absolutely be ashamed of themselves, as well as the girls that go after these men. I hope their wives/girlfriends find out sooner than later. It really makes me sick.

     

Blind date

I am proud to present my first write in!! I would like the thank the writer for sending it to me and sharing this great story:

Blind Date:

I had been dating online on and off for a few years, attempting to find my Mr. Right, all I seemed to find was Mr. Creep, Mr. Crazy and Mr. So Not Right.

So when my sister suggested a blind date, I was interested in trying something new. She met a guy who lived in the condos next to me at a festival. He had said he did not know many people in the area so she suggested giving her his number to have me contact him for a date. I was hesitant on contacting him but did and we set up a date.

He picked me up at my house. I had thought of meeting him somewhere as I had no idea who he was, but thought that was odd since he lived just a street over. We had an awkward getting to know one another ride to the restaurant. Once at the restaurant we had a beer and food. He was easy to speak with and we kept the conversation going. After dinner we decided to stop at the bar close to our homes to continue our date. We had a nice time, but there was no chemistry at all. We did not flirt, kiss or even touch during the date. He dropped me off outside my house with promises to get in touch for a second date in the future. We briefly hugged goodnight and I went into my house. Here’s where shit got weird.

I had been home for about 10 minutes when the text message tone on my phone goes off. I grab my phone and see his name. The following text blew my mind. It read “Hey wanna fuck?” WHAT? I thought to myself, you leave my house and text me asking to fuck you after the first date. In his mind did he think I was going to say sure, let me walk down the street to your house. I kept thinking what would ever give him the impression I would go through with that. I am not flirty, suggestive or slutty in any way. I wondered if I had the word slut tattooed on my forehead that only males could see. I responded in a polite way “really?” He responds back “Does that mean yes?” I respond “No Thank you!”

If he was going to try and sleep with me on the first date, I would have preferred he made a move when I was getting out of the car or been flirtatious during the date. Needless to say I never heard from him again and thank god haven’t seen him around the neighborhood.

With the things guys say and do to people they barely know, I often wonder how many times it actually works out in their favor.

Happy President's...Wait, How Old Are You?

Happy President's Weekend

So this is one of those stories that I am not proud of. That I should be super embarrassed about and I was, but now I can laugh! So President's weekend was about a month after my break up. It was one of my good friends birthday's and so we also celebrated my "coming out single" for the first time. By the end of the night, I was pretty intoxicated, I had vomited in someone's house and was pretty much a mess (had I mentioned I drank a lot after my divorce? I did and I am not proud of it). But bad decisions make for good stories, right?

So after all these shenanigans go down, we go to meet back up with some other friends. There is a guy sitting outside the bar, let's call him "Mr. President". Coincidentally, on President's weekend, he had the name of one of one of those lovely gentlemen above and not one of the common ones. He was sitting there talking to his friend saying that he is going to call his ex. I over hear it and butt in and tell him not too. Somewhere in all of this, my memory is a little foggy, I find out he is 26 (I am 28 at the time) and invite him to come with us where we are going. He ditches his friends and comes with us. To make a long story short without embarrassing myself, we made out (a lot and that was ALL) in the back seat of the car while everyone else went into a house. This night ends with with us exchanging phone numbers and us dropping him off on the side of the rode in this college town with his cowboy boots in one hand and his jacket and button down shirt in his other. And that was the last I thought I would see of Mr. President.

Well then a week or so later I get a text from him and he invites me out for a drink. And I think why not? So we meet. He's not much taller than I am and isn't as cute as I remember but still cute. We sit and order a beer. He mentions that he was in law school there at the University. He tells me about his family, his family's money, fancy vacations and was really trying really hard to play himself up and impress me. It was all a little odd, and even more odd when he says his sister is 26. I brushed it off. He asks if I have ever been around the Law Quad and I really hadn't, so he said he would show me around. It's about 9 or 10 at night, snowing, we had had a few beers and so I didn't want to drive right away. So (another idiot move) I say yes and we go for a walk.

Hogwarts 

We are walking around the Law Quad in the snow. It was so beautiful, kind of what I picture what Hogwarts to look like in real life around Christmas time (lame Harry Potter reference). I was kind of in awe. He takes me inside where it is just as beautiful. He was showing me all these different places and things, explaining some of its history annnnnd we end up in a dorm room. Yep, I said DORM ROOM. It even had a lava lamp in it, a twin bed and posters on the wall.


I excuse myself to the bathroom and he hands me a key to the community bathroom. Ew! So I go in there and stand for a minute thinking back to him saying he is 26. 26 year old's do not live in dorms! So I go back and he invites me to sit down. And he makes his move to kiss me, by the romantic glow of the lava lamp...on his twin bed. Against my better judgement, I kiss him back for a minute and then tell him I have to go. He walks me back to my car, kisses me good night and tells me he is going on vacation to some place exotic for a week and he will call me when he gets back. I didn't say it but I had no intention of answering that call! I thank him for the drinks and say good night!

I go home and look him up on Facebook, which I should have done in the first place and learn that he lied (duh!). He had just turned 21...Well played Mr. President, not so honest as they say, huh?

And that my friends is why I always ask for a last name and look them up on the Internet before going out with anyone. Well that and to make sure they are not a serial killer...

XOXO

Dating in the Age of Technology...

So early on I went on a couple of dates with a guy, let's call him "Christian Grey". He was good looking, smart, and successful. He was divorced and had 2 kids, he owned his own business, barely had to work, had a huge house and traveled a lot, you get the point. He was charming and funny. With all that being said his down fall was he knew how much of a catch he was, how good looking he was and used it to his advantage. But it was completely the opposite of what I was used too so why no go out with him...

So we went on 2 dates, both times out to dinner and one of those times I went back to his house for a very PG visit and drink. About a week after our second date, he went out to New York for a golf outing with the guys. He was texting me cute little messages while he was gone. One night at about 2 in the morning, my phone beeped that I had a text message...

***Let's pause for a second for a side story:  So when I get text messages that late at night during the week and they wake me up from a dead sleep I usually think something is wrong, someone is dead or someone needs me for a ride or something. It's just what I do.***

Ok back to the story: So I sit up grab my phone and look, its from "Christian Grey". So I was relieved that everyone was okay and a little annoyed that he was texting me so late. So I open up the text and there it was, standing at full attention, a picture of his penis. I think I literally let out a gasp and in my sleepy state started laughing.

The next morning I text him back and I didn't even acknowledge the picture until he brought it up. He said I owed him a picture showing some skin. So being the smart ass that I am, I pulled my shirt a little off my shoulder and took a picture. He got all pissed off at me and said it was only fair. Really?? I didn't ask for the picture of your junk?

 

So needless to say things fizzled out after that. But he did teach me a lesson...this ISN'T abnormal. This isn't the only dick picture I have received. This is something people do, they exchange pictures. Some do it very inappropriately and others do it while in a relationship. It's so easy to do with picture messaging and smart phones. I will be honest with you, I have sent a "sexy" pic or two or three. But there are certain rules. One being to only send them to someone you trust and have some sort of relationship with and the BIGGEST rule being to NEVER show your face. (I know, my parents would be so proud.)

I wasn't really sure if there were certain rules for men but there actually are some out there. Here you go guys: Rules to sending "dick pics" You are welcome!

XOXO

Wait? What?! (Viewer Discretion)

So, it never ceases to amazing me the amount of balls some men have. I know this is a dating site, I know that anyone can say or be anything they want but wow!! The scary thing is that some of this might actually work for them.

Now I know the name of my blog states that I am going to protect the idiots but I am going to include the guys face in one of the messages, only because it adds to the amazingness of the message. With that being said, I present you one of the creepiest messages I have ever received (I hope none of you know him):

Let's also add that he was in his 50's

So I will let you sit back and take that in for a second because I know you are about as shocked as I was....



Okay....are you ready to keep reading and discuss this?

Wow, I know. So fine people are into what they are into and I don't judge that. But REALLY that is the one and only message you send? Does one REALLY sit there and & honestly think that is okay to say to someone (almost) 25 years younger than you are? Would you be okay if someone said that to YOUR daughter because I am young enough to BE your daughter? I guess on that note, it makes for an amazing story, an amazing message to share and I hope once you got over the initial shock and being completely appalled, you chuckled (even if only a little bit.)

Now that is not the only time I have gotten that type of message with that subject matter, a few other times actually but didn't save them (I never really expected to be writing this):

Nice shirtless pic, DB!

So sometimes I feel a little feisty and I answer ridiculous messages like this. So one giggly, slap happy night I replied with a simple. "I am technically still a virgin because I only take it up the ass." Ok, it might have been childish and immature but sometimes I can't help myself! His reply..."You are a bitch!" Like I was the one that brought it up. All I could do is laugh.

Again, men never cease to amaze me, some in a good way and most in a bad...

XOXO


P.S. Stay tuned: since writing this one I have gotten an equally (if not more) creepy message!! And it deserves it's own post.

My Idiot Moment #2...

Like I said before, I started dating way, way too soon after my divorce. But it was something (I thought) I had to do and something I learned from very quickly. So let me share a story of me making a complete ass out of myself for your reading pleasure.

So here I am on a date with a pretty normal guy from a dating website. Things are going really well, conversation is flowing, nothing awkward. He was cute, charming, very funny and had his life together. Things were going well and we decided to move on for dessert, so I got in his car and we continued on our date. On the way back to my car after a nice time, we continued chatting and the discussion went to where live and who we live with. I was currently living with my parents because of the divorce so I was honest because I had plans to move out pretty quickly. His response to my asking was, "Oh I live in an apartment with my wife".

Now let's back up up a little. So I am divorced. The primary reason being that "he-who-must-not-be-named" had a girlfriend...while we were married. Of course I didn't divulge this information to this guy, hell, I hadn't even told my parents the real reason yet. So it was/is obviously a very sensitive subject for me and still is to this day, but this was like only 3 weeks since it all went down...

Oh and did the words start flying out of my mouth....

Okay, back to the story:

Again he said, "Oh I live in an apartment with my wife." I remember it very clearly, my whole entire body tense, my face turned red and I immediately started yelling. It all started with a "Are you fucking kidding me, you fucking asshole" and then I just kept going like a crazy person. I know I probably looked and sounded like a crazy person but I was so INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF. It only lasted, like, a minute and then I saw him look at me out of the corner of his eye and kind of whisper, "I was definitely kidding, I live on my own." At that point my face turned red for another reason. After some awkward silence and chit chat we said good night. He clearly never asked me out again, in fact he probably just wrote that story on HIS dating blog....


XOXO

Overall, I am doing pretty good...

So hopefully by now you have all read my actual dating profile. I give a lot of information, as well as random facts that I think can be some great conversation starters. That is the entire reason I wrote it that way.  I would also like to think one actually read my profile before writing to me. I don't think that is too much to ask, do you? So not to sound like a complete snob but you are going to have to say a little bit more than the following messages to get my attention. I would say the following account for at least 40% of the messages I get!

What does "nm" mean anyways?

Not only did you just say hello but you do not even have a picture.

With that being said, I want to inform everyone that I am doing great, I have had a good day, a good new year, I probably went to work and my weekend has been fun. Also Hi, Hello, Howdy and Aloha....

XOXO

This is me...

 So, here is me REALLY putting myself out there, my dating profile (the same on most sites):

I thought I would let you all look at my profile so that when you read my future posts you will see that in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM am I asking for the type of message that I am going to show you. I think I sound normal and most importantly I sound like me. It's how I talk, it's who I am and I think it's fun. My pictures I have posted are all recent and ACTUALLY me (it's sad that I have to specify that but I do). I didn't post any on here because this is public and I don't really want people to see who I am. As far as you all know, I am TheDatingDarling :)

For those of you that actually know me in real life, all of my pictures on my profile have at one time been one of my Facebook profile pictures. So you know they are not slutty, skanky, ugly or creepy comment provoking.

I hope you enjoyed it and if you think any of those things aren't the real me, kiss my ass or let me know :)

XOXO

There is Another Idiot Among Us...

So I am also going to mention that the men are not just the idiots. Sometimes it was me too. Yes, I know it is hard to believe as I was learning "how to date" after 9 years that sweet, little, old, me could be an idiot. Surprisingly, I was. But I am going to put it out there too for your reading pleasure and probably way more than I should..

(Now that I think about it, my family probably shouldn't read this. Shit, my parents might disown me but I think it has all been part of my dating experience and I want you to read about it! Judge away...)

Let's start with the first date I went on. Mind you, it was only 2 weeks after "he-who-must-not-be-named" asked for the divorce. I told you. I moved fast, maybe it was a coping mechanism? Who knows. So anyways, I went out with guy number one, let's call him "The fisherman" (looking back I was basically on a date with "he-who-must-not-be-named"). So we meet in public, at a bar, just for a quick drink, we are chit chatting, making small talk over beer. He orders shots, I thought it was a little weird but I did it any ways. Then he orders another but I say no thank you and I stuck to my beer. Pretty sure he was a little tipsy by the end. So it's time to go, it's winter and I did something dumb (Idiot Move Number 1): I got in his car so I didn't have to stand in the cold. We said our goodbyes, said we had a great time and then (Idiot Move Number 2), I LET HIM KISS ME GOOD NIGHT. I hadn't kissed another guy in 9 years, 9 so I just went with it. What happened next is kind of a blur, it all happened so fast. I felt him kind of squirming around and when I break away from the kiss, his pants are undone and "it" is out. Yes...IT. He just whipped out his dick like it was a normal thing to do and was expecting me to do something with it. My natural reaction was to laugh and I did. I politely but still laughing told him no thank you and after an awkward pause as he put it away, we said good night. I did not see him again (clearly) and I was not falling for his "Naked Man Theory" (How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Man Theory).


I couldn't make this shit up if I tried, and to tell you honestly this has happened to me TWICE.

XOXO